Why...does this...seem like it completely describes how I feel today (and yesterday...and many days beforehand)?
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don�t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I�m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what�s good for you
I�m sober now for 3 whole months it�s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won�t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I�ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn�t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what�s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling �Make it go away!�
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered �How can you do this to me?�
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn�t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what�s good for you
For you
For you
For you
Yeah, Blue October. Damn you Daphne & Dan for getting me hooked on that song. I guess I can say that a lot of songs feel like they're ringing true today. But that's cause I'm listening to all the sad ones on purpose. Woo. Way to make myself feel better?
Anyways...I broke up with Nate yesterday. I feel...a bit relieved, in a way. But the rest of me is lost and confused, numb...sad. Mostly the...okay, mostly all of them and hardly any relief. But it's been a long time coming. For the longest time, I've felt like I've been selfish and horrible to him. I get annoyed with him so easily over silly little things, and I never want to do things that he wants to do or enjoys. Well, that isn't completely true. I know there have been times we've watched movies or played games that I've been bored out of my mind with, or talked on the phone about something completely ridiculous (to me anyways). But...it's just, I can't stand feeling...like I'm the worst person ever. He quit his job because I was sad that we were hardly talking. He doesn't go out and do things he likes to do because of me. He has to constantly put up with my whining and bitching, and yes, I do a lot of that when I talk to him. I've been trying for so long not to do that, and to be more patient, and try to do more things he likes, but it's just not...happening. I don't know. I still care for him a lot, but it hurts me to know that I'm hurting him like this. I hate myself for it so bad. Maybe I'm being silly and this is all stupid of me, breaking up with him and all. But I just don't feel like it's been right for a long time. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm faking things...I can't do that to him. I can't. He doesn't deserve to be treated that way.
And I feel like shit. A part of me wanted to say or do something to make him hate me, so maybe it would be easier for him, but I just couldn't do it. To me, being angry isn't as horrible as being sad. He cried. I made him cry. That hurts me so much. How could I be...so horrible? This is probably hurting him a lot, that's the last thing I want, for him to be hurt. But I think in the long run, if we kept this up, it would just hurt him even more. And I don't want that. He deserves so much more...so much. Blah.
On another note, sorta...trying to distract myself is amazingly hard. Everything leads to a thought that makes me want to cry, or reminds me of him, which in turn makes me want to cry. Blah. And I feel like an ass, for annoying people on MSN and being needy because I desperately need a distraction every once in a while. Fuckskdjhskjdhskd.
1:02 a.m. - 2008-09-10
Recent entries:
Some New Games... - 2009-03-12
headaches suck - 2008-12-06
- - 2008-09-27
- - 2008-09-12
Hate Me (?) - 2008-09-10
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